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January 26, 2012

I closed and locked the door. I lowered the garage door and pulled out of the driveway. I drove to the gym where I locked the minivan and walked into the gym with just me and my thoughts. Locked away everything so I can unlock myself.

My feet pounded the tread mill and the music pulsed in my ears.  My feet moved and my armed pumped and my breaths quickened.  I knew that soon it would come; I waited for the flatline, the uninterrupted bliss of not thinking. My body and breath partnered–my arms, legs and exhales partnered in a guttural, syncopatic rhythm. Pump pump pump exhale.  And then, a vast plane of nothing.

After I finished my run, I headed downstairs to the weight room. My creaky knees protested with each descending step. The black mat hit the floor. Thwop. I felt the tightness throughout each crevice and crannie of my body. I folded down into Downward Dog. I felt my pulse in my finger tips. I sat down, legs sprawled on the cushy mat and folded down, holding the stretch. Each muscle tightened and burned. Hello! my body seemed to say, Pay attention here. There’s a message here in this hamstring, over there in your side and right there between your shoulder blades. 

I breathed and released into the stretch.

I considered the stories and thoughts buried within my muscles. I moved into Pigeon and I wondered about the events and stories that build and maintain those knots. What beliefs reign those pockets of tension, tightening them with white-knuckled force?  The memories. The pain. The tension. The self-doubt. All locked within. My body acted as its own locksmith by providing panaceas of stretches and rudimentary keys of understanding with each exhale.

I stood. Calmer, more aware and grounded. I took the steps back up and continued unlocking. Pad locks, car doors, house doors. I walked back into it all.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Gail permalink
    January 26, 2012 12:48 pm

    so poetic and so thought-provoking.
    thank you!

  2. February 3, 2012 6:38 pm

    Holy crow woman, this is exquisite. I loved every word. I felt like I was just there with you and I couldn’t help but think that I need a dose of that! Beautifully done.

  3. February 3, 2012 10:12 pm

    Breathtaking Denise. I love hearing about your process.

Give me your grit.

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