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In My Mind

February 24, 2015

I wonder if I will ever be able to take off my ankle-length, black down coat.

I wonder how my hair is doing under my winter hat, all matted and nestled.

I wonder if the warm summer sun misses my face as much as my face misses it.

I wonder how life serves such duality: life/death, light/dark, happy/sad, here/gone.

I wonder if the tulips are stretching beneath the snow. I wonder how they know and envy their certainty.

I wonder what might happen if I truly gave up Caring About What Others Think About Me, what space would be opened, what peace may permeate.

I wonder: are the little birds who occupy this frozen land cold? Do they know cold in their bones? Do they care?

I wonder if I would be truly happy if my home were clean, top to bottom, door frames to base boards, or if I’m chasing an illusion like a dodgy dust bunny?

I wonder about the times I got it wrong. And hope I learned enough to get it right.

I wonder if wrinkles were always eschewed by our culture. I wonder what would happen if time’s stamp was heralded as much as a newborn’s cheek, both equally magical.

I wonder if I can get new inserts for my boots.

I wonder if I’m raising them well, giving them the Right Tools, leading by example in this precarious life.

I wonder and marvel at mathematical minds, speaking numbers like an exotic language.

I wonder if my uterus is suffering from empty-nest syndrome.

I wonder when the words on the page became so small.

I wonder how a song crawls within and pulses with my heart and chest and veins and soul. I can feel the double bar of the sixteenth note and the weight of the bass, starting in my stomach and ending in ripples all around.

I wonder at the implicit power that another person’s careless driving has on my temper, rising rising rising to mercury red.

I wonder if I’d feel free if I threw away my saved stack of magazine pages (recipes to cook, books to read, ideas to ponder)–or if I’d miss the certainty of them. Would I miss their company?

I wonder at the scent of the night, an expanse of dark magic striking my heart’s chord.

I wonder at the familiarity of my husband’s face, our 12 years of marriage and I the cartographers of his particular map.

I wonder how it is that I still marvel at time’s passage and I hope I never stop.

I wonder.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. February 24, 2015 6:25 am

    I wonder all these things right alongside you (and what a privilege it is to feel your wondering next to mine). So beautifully put. Thank you.

  2. February 24, 2015 7:31 am

    I’m so glad you are back here. I am so happy I started my morning with your words!!

  3. Jay permalink
    February 24, 2015 8:44 am

    This just made my morning! I love your writing. I feel like you are in my head, explaining my exact thoughts! Thank you 😊

  4. Katherine Richard permalink
    February 24, 2015 8:45 am

    I LOVE this, D!!! You are so gifted. I love you. xxx

    Kate Richard katerichard@me.com

    >

  5. February 24, 2015 9:59 am

    Wondrous.

  6. Gail permalink
    February 24, 2015 3:06 pm

    I wonder what it feels like to be such a gifted writer as you! Wow! Xxx

  7. February 24, 2015 7:41 pm

    All this wisdom and wondering–and I can only offer one measly bit. Throw away your stack! I recently threw away an overflowing “travel” tickler file. I realized it had been over a decade and I’d not had the funds to go most of exotic places I wanted to go. And that I’ll find them, probably with less angst, if they’re not sitting in a file taking up space, littering my cabinet:). Lighter.

  8. February 24, 2015 8:49 pm

    I saved these words for my last tonight, and I’m so glad I did…reading you at the end of a day, allowing the poetry and philosophy to wash over me, our wonders linked, our joint journey. Such deep comfort in knowing you are out there, wondering too. Tears welling up at the thought of it now, as I sit on the edge of my middle one’s bed as he drifts off…

  9. February 24, 2015 9:38 pm

    Gorgeous. I wonder many of these things too. Except I didn’t know I did. Thank you for giving voice to my thoughts xx

  10. February 26, 2015 11:02 am

    Lovely, Denise. This line struck me the most: “I wonder how life serves such duality: life/death, light/dark, happy/sad, here/gone.” This duality brings me to tears. Every single time. xo

  11. February 26, 2015 12:52 pm

    You still have an active current beneath all the grown up and life. You are the girl I would have been drawn to, hoping to be friends with so desperately. I am so glad to not have to wonder about a life without you.

  12. Katrina Kenison permalink
    March 2, 2015 5:15 pm

    Shared wonders. Especially, these days, the duality. I will never take it for granted. Here/gone continues to get me, every time. Loved this post!

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